Comparing to others (May 2016)

We humans tend to compare ourselves a lot to each other. “Ah, I am so behind, look at [fill in the blank], who is already ahead, and I’m lagging behind.” Or: “Ah, my friends / family/[whoever] is “already earning so much’ or ‘married and with children”, or “doing so well”, etc. etc. etc.

Sounds familiar?

Comparing is natural. From an early age, we are surrounded by peers who also have to ‘perform and achieve’. Think school grades. Think diplomas. Then jobs, salaries, etc. Other examples and comparisons are omnipresent. Notably, social media feeds of ‘great new job’ or ‘look at this holiday here’ or ‘feeling fabulous’, provide comparison ‘hazards’ aplenty.

Comparison has a good side – looking at others can motivate, it can inspire us, give ideas, and enlighten. Sadly, however, we more often tend to feel bad about ourselves, that we are losers compared to our peers, who are ‘so much better’, and that we won’t get anywhere.

What we probably don’t realise is that the other [fill in the blanks of that ‘extraterrestrially’ good person] is most likely involved in exactly the same exercise. Better still, it might well be he is comparing himself to you, may be even on that exact same topic/skill you are comparing to him. Let me tell you three reasons why such comparisons are pointless and harmful.

Firstly, we all have our individual story and background, leading us to the right place, at the right time, here and now. That is, with our knowledge and life experience as it was, we made certain decisions we believed were right at the time of making, and therefore, we are at the right place here and now. You could not have been anywhere else. I am not suggesting to sit still and never work for the betterment of oneself. Rather, realise that where we sit right now is OK, and we can always change it, without destructive self-critique.

The second fallacy of the ‘better others’ is that it assumes that whatever we do, is not good enough; there is that someone no one has seen, but he is the ‘better’ one, THE example.

“Who knows what a clumsy piece I have produced” (e.g. an assignment for school), surely, that’s not how it’s done. The knowledgeable ‘other’ will surely outdo it, and I am definitely a loser.”

This line of thought operates on the premise that somewhere out there, there are those amazing, unique, the ‘extraterrestrially’ good people who do it ‘the right way’. But there aren’t – they are only humans, like all of us, among us, and likely are confronted with exactly the same fear.

The third drawback, and this is the most significant one in my view, is the self-diminishing, that escalates in a self-destruction. Repeating to our inner selves that we are simply not good enough, because someone else is better, and I’ll never reach him, is inherently unproductive and destructive. It automatically puts whatever we DID already achieve into a rubbish bin with a label: not good enough. Is this how personal achievements ought to be treated, even if they are ‘little’?

To summarise

Comparison is natural, and has its many positive sides, such as inspiration, ‘peer pressure’ for improving ourselves, and others. Mostly, however, it is exercised in a negative manner and works destructively on our souls, bodies, and self-esteem. But I have explained why most of the premises upon which negative comparisons rest are flawed and destructive.

Wanna think twice before you do it next time?

Thank you for your time, and I hope you enjoyed reading. Please feel free to leave a comment below – I am curious to know your thoughts.